RIP Uncle Sonny

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Sunday, Oct 18 2009

Last night at about 6:30 p.m., my uncle finally took his last breath. He’d been diagnosed with end stage cancer of the lungs, liver, and lymph about two months ago. There was nothing the doctors could do that would give him more than a week or two longer while taking his quality of life away. Sonny remained able to get around with help until about two weeks ago. After that, it went down hill pretty fast.

Depression

Sunday Oct 4

This is going to be a very personal post. I have lived with depression since my ‘tweens, as it is called these days. Though I’ve never done anything dramatic because of my illness, I’ve always lived with a haze of sadness that was bone deep and never lifted. Even in the happiest moments of my life, it was there. Now its gone, thanks to modern pharmacology. I am liking most of it, but still a bit on the fence as to how I feel about the medication and my own decision to go this route after so many years. I don’t LIKE resorting to happy pills, as I call them, but it seems that is the only way for me.

Not much longer…

Sunday, September 27

We’ve not long returned home from a visit with my Uncle Sonny. I almost wish I hadn’t gone. Seeing him like this hurts.

I hope I am not seeing into my future

Tuesday Sept 22

Well, My net has reset so hopefully I can blog a bit more often now and hopefully keep it interesting.

As my last few posts have shown, my life is falling all to pieces right now. I will loose one of my dearest uncles, the question is just how long he will hold on. Another dear uncle (great uncle, technically) is in the hospital after a massive heart attack…and has been for a week. My father, whom I am estranged from by choice even though I do love him, has lost the middle toe and that bone at least half way into one foot to gangrene. My mother’s significant other has just returned home after getting three stints put in following a small heart attack… Oh, and since he will be out of work for at least the next two weeks, our finances are going to get even shakier…Yah, I could use some good news SOON.

Finally a tiny bit of good news

Tuesday, Sept 22

Well, I’ve not long ago arrived at the hospital. When I got to his room, one of the doctors was in. Tommy will be going home today, but has a lot of changes to make if he wants this to be his only heart attack. He is not quite ready to quit smoking it sounds like but  we are going to help him find ways to quit and figure out what keeps him smoking. I will be quitting once this carton we just bought is gone and smoking outside effective as soon as we get home.

Yesterday we did get some more bad news. My uncle who has cancer has had hospice start caring for him at home. This makes me think he has taken a major turn for the worst. If he’s gotten to the point he can’t care for himself at all, that will be what takes him from this world. He has always been a very independent, on the go kind of man. We have at least had a little time to prepare, but its never enough. I am thinking this is going to be a long rough road between now and Christmas. *starts to sing Merle Haggard’s “If We Make It Through December”*

Man, what a weekend

Monday, Sept 21

So, we got mom’s check Friday. One would think it would have been a fairly decent weekend. Turned out to be one of the most emotionally trying weekends I can remember.

The Differences…

Sept 1

In my first posting yesterday, I commented that having felt like I had met an old, dear friend when BC and I first started talking via messenger being one of many differences in how things have gone with us to date. It is those differences that keep me hanging on right now. They make me think that this time I have found someone that is really worth my time.

*Sigh*

Sept 2

*edit—Seems like writing this all out then doing the graphic above helped…maybe things ARE getting a tad easier*

*Sighs with feeling* Today has been long and mostly boring so far. I did get to chat with BC for a few minutes. You’d think I’d be more happy right now than I am. I guess not knowing when (if?) we will get to talk again is kind of weighing on me. How I can miss him so much when we’ve talked several times in the past few days is beyond me.

Things I am learning about myself

Sept 1

I’ve been sitting here thinking (something I have an annoyingly obsessive habit of doing) and have been amazed at a few changes in myself the last week or so have brought.

Neo-Pagan thoughts

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August 28

**disclaimer: The statements here are my own interpretations of what I have read and in no way should be take as authoritative. If you find my thoughts interesting, do your own research and find out if these paths interest YOU as you interpret the knowledge you find**

The night I learned about my uncles dire diagnosis, a friend in chat mentioned there faith and that it had a much gentler view of the afterlife than more mainstream religions or faiths. It turns out she is Wiccan, though she does not practice the magical spell casting side of the faith. I did a quick Google search and found some interesting thoughts on the afterlife in neo-pagan practices.